2013 Resolutions...

On this last day of 2012, I spent some time thinking of some wishes I have for the coming year. Most importantly, I want to make 2013 a happier year than 2012. I seemed to spend a lot of time feeling very negative and anxious. I don't want to live my life that way. I don't want to spend my time being disappointed with what I have and wishing for something more. I have a long bucket list of things I want to do, be or accomplish this year.

**I am giving myself a reality check and acknowledging that some of these things may not happen.**

Let's get started. I am going to list them in no order of priority. I am going to categorize them by ultimate goals and then what I need to accomplish in order to reach that goal.

*Tough Mudder (June) --> 3 days/week Run training
                           --> 3 days/week Strength training
                           --> run < 9.5 minutes per mile
                           --> 10K run (April)
                           --> Dirty Girl 5K (May)
*Half Marathon (October) -->same as above.

*Be Healthier --> 3 days/week run training
                       --> 3 days/week strength training
                       --> Eat healthier
                       --> Sleep better
                       --> Talk & visit with friends and family more
                      
*Disney Vacation
*Christmas Caribbean Cruise
*Sky-diving
*NYC to see a Broadway show
*Make the house our home --after 7 years of living here, I still feel as though this isn't our home.  It still feels as though we rent from hubby's parents and now that we don't have the daycare in the home, it's time to really make it our own. I'm excited to be able to do what we want inside our home.

One thing you may notice missing is a reference to having a baby. I have absolutely no control over that happening naturally. We have incorporated everything we can do at home, ourselves. It's not that I want to give up per se...but we have to save for any fertility treatment we may need (specifically IVF). That can't happen right now.  It feels as though we are always saving for something, always waiting for something, never fully living. I am tired of feeling like that. It's depressing. It highlights what we don't have rather than focusing on what we do have, which is each other, our health, a home and 4 loving and wonderful pets. We have our friends and our families and it's time we return to prioritizing them and our happiness with each other rather than something that's missing. Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything, but I have to be able to have a life while we wait to be blessed naturally OR we have enough to have the treatments we need. I don't want having or not having a baby to be the only thing that matters. It's hard, though, to just turn off the cycle of baby thoughts that runs through anyone's mind who is TTC. Especially for a woman who, after 3 1/2 years is so in tune with her body, she knows where she is in her cycle without a chart or cell phone app. I still plan to monitor my bbt. But that's it. I want to focus more on being healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.

 Which leads me to my last resolution:
*Be Happier ON PURPOSE -->Talk & visit more with friends and family
                                              -->Eat better
                                              -->Sleep better
                                              -->Laugh more
                                              -->Daily Affirmations


I have a long list of things to focus on. I am really excited to get started in less than 12 hours. And I want to wish you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish you all the health and happiness you hope for in 2013!!

Last Weekend Planning of 2012...

I am feeling a tad anxious that the year is about to close. I didn't accomplish quite as much as I wanted to this year. I am not nearly as organized as I hoped to be, I am still the same weight and I still have a hard time seeing the positives in life.

Still, I have high hopes for 2013. Resolutions are floating around my head. I will share them once I have some concrete idea of what I truly think I can accomplish this coming year.

This weekend we have a pretty calm agenda It is supposed to snow on Saturday!! I don't know why, I am so excited for snow. I hate shoveling it, I hate driving in it, etc. etc...but it's so pretty and calming to watch it fall. Anyway, I have several  items on the checklist I am hopeful to get to. Nothing too extravagant.

Friday:
Work
??Girl's Night?? -- We will see how I feel after a day's work.

Saturday:
Laundry, laundry, laundry
Clean and organize Master bedroom closet -- purge and donate
Mop the kitchen floor
Dinner & Game night with friends

Sunday:
More laundry, laundry, laundry
Strip and remake the bed (master and spare)
Clean the upstairs bathroom
Grocery shopping
Start packing up the toys from the daycare.

Monday: Day off for me!! Woot woot
More daycare toy purging
Organize daycare craft supplies
Sort paperwork/bills/mail
NYE out and about with friends

Tuesday: New Year's Day
Recover from NYE festivities
Lesson Planning
 -- Yeah, that sounds like about all I want to do that day.
??Maybe some Christmas decorations will get put away....maybe...if I feel like it! LOL

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a safe, happy and healthy New Year!!!

On the Road to Baby H... Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! This a joyous time. It is a time to look at your blessings and share the celebration of the birth of Christ with your friends and family. I hope you each have some precious memories filed away from this year! I myself got to meet 2 brand-new family members (our 4 month old niece and our 3 week old nephew) and we spent some quality time with family and friends.

It has been an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks and days. Seeing friends and family prepare to spread the magic and joy of Christmas with their children is hard. It is fun to participate and fun to talk about, but sometimes it's a hard thing to think about. I want to do those same things. I have so, so many ideas that I would love to do, but they have to wait.

I was doing some random pinteresting today during the drive to family celebrations and I ran across this blog post regarding Infertility Etiquette. I copied and posted the link below for those of you who may be interested.

Infertility Etiquette

I hope all of your holidays were wonderful! Only 6 days until 2013!!

Handmade Christmas...

Handmade Christmas

This year I decided to make some gifts for friends, friends' children and my brand new baby niece.

 

Here are some of my projects this year.  For my friend's two daughters:

A hair bow holder from this blog tutorial: For my friend's daughter's 4th birthday (she is a Christmas Eve baby):

This is a memo board for my niece:

A hair bow holder for a friend of my DH. They just had their little girl at the end of November.

And for our 4 month old baby niece:

This canvas was for my co-worker at the daycare I work at now. She is going through some difficult times.

 

These weren't all my gifts this year. I am still working on a canvas for my god-daughter and her sister and one for my 7 year old niece. I hope they are received well!

Merry Christmas all!

Unbelievable.

Love, thoughts and prayers are with those in Newtown, CT. May God keep each family, child and community member protected. May God hold those 26 souls safe and loved until they can be reunited with their loved ones.

I pray that we, as a society, will have a day when life is considered precious again. I pray that day will be soon.

My love with you and yours.

Changes afoot...

I have decided to close my home daycare. I have decided to take a position as a full time Lead Teacher at a local daycare center.

Recently, I was contacted regarding a full time teaching position via an ad I had posted. At first, I disregarded it completely. I wasn't looking for a  new job. I was happy with my business. I had some really great kids and parents. I left the email in my inbox for the weekend, before mentioning it to my husband. He replied, "You should contact her. Maybe this is a sign." A sign of a door opening. A sign of a path to take to help us get to where we want to go. So, I responded and began an email conversation. The position turned out to fit EXACTLY into my experience, my favorite age-group, everything. So, I set up a meeting with her. We met, she described the position and we chatted. I loved her immediately. I liked the center and I felt at home there. She called me later that week and offered me the position.

It was a hard decision to make. There are myriad reasons why I am choosing this path. One includes a recent former daycare parent who chose to take our 2 1/2 year relationship and completely disrespect it, my daycare, the other children and parents, my home, my husband, and me. It's hard to know you put your entire self into a relationship, care for a child and her family and at the end of the day, it means nothing if you aren't able to give a yes to EVERY single request they make no matter if it's appropriate, small or large.

There are some other considerations that have gone into this decision...not the least of which is that
*I will go from working 55-65 hours per week to a 40 hour work week.
*My pay will be consistent. It's not determined by how many kids I do or do not have enrolled. I won't have to worry about having enough kids enrolled or having a restructuring year again. I will be able to rely on my pay and be able to look forward to the future with some financial confidence.
*I will have to someone to go to and ask for help with a problematic behavior problem or disrespectful parent.

The dissolution of my business is hard to think about. I have very mixed emotions regarding all aspects. Telling the parents, saying good-bye to the children, having a commute and having to dress a certain way for work, dealing with a co-worker (who I don't know...will we get along?), these are all on the "cons" side of the list. I think this will take some time to get used to...but I am hopeful for the future!

Weekend Planning

I went to bed last night determined to sleep in late and do nothing today. This past week I have had a really hard time sleeping. I'd wake up at 4 AM and it was like my body REFUSED to go back to sleep. This resulted, of course in extremely tired days after and early an early bed time...only to wake again at 4 AM. Luckily by the end of the week I was able to sleep normally although I was still feeling more tired than usual.

So, I went to bed last night fully determined to sleep in late and do nothing!

 

My dogs, on the other hand, had other plans. I had given my hubby strict instructions to not wake me as he went to work this morning, but I guess I forgot to mention to him that it would be his responsibility to let the dogs out and feed them before he left. On typical mornings I do this whenever I get up for the day, and usually on the weekends, the dogs will be kind and let me sleep in until 8 or so.

But, oh no, not today! 6:45 AM they were quite insistent to go out for their morning constitutional! UGH!

 

Well, so ok, no sleeping in for me. I did get to enjoy my luxury of relaxing in bed with my cuppa joe and watch the weekend news. The longer I sat, the more I felt anxious to get up and DO something. *SIGH* I guess it's a good thing to feel motivated.

I created a list of what I would like to get done this weekend and that list includes:

• Clean litter box (not just scoop...but really clean it)
• Clean laundry room
• Vacuum living room, bar/dining room & stairs
• Vacuum kitchen, daycare, hallway & master bathroom
• Mop kitchen, hallway, bath, laundry room, living room & bar/dining room
• Wash sheets, daycare laundry, towels & take personal laundry to laundry room to sort
• Empty dehumidifiers (2 downstairs)
• Vacuum breezeway & wash dog bed covers
• Clean out Jeep & vacuum back
• Drive to Mom's and get table & chairs
• Put table & chairs together
• Go for a 4-6 mile run
• Clean upstairs & downstairs bath
• Make menu for coming week(s)
• Grocery shop for needed items
• Trip to Michael's or AC Moore for craft supplies (stay tuned for that project)
• Trip to Home Depot to get a new seal for downstairs shower drain (that might be another post) & price out plywood/mdf for DIY shelves for laundry room & office (also might be another post -- if they ever get done!)

 

So I think that is all on the list. I will try to update Monday morning with a re-cap and a "Did I do it" list.

Have a great weekend y'all!!

 

On the road to baby H...update

It's been quite awhile since I've updated about our TTC. I was getting pretty discouraged and in trying to maintain my composure, it seemed too difficult to really talk about it.

As an update, I'll condense the past few weeks into this post and try to keep it short.

June 21, we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist. I chose a clinic about 1 1/2 hours away from us. They have an AMAZING reputation, put an emphasis on patient care and education and really their statistics are a huge selling point. One of their best attributes is that they offer financing and discount options as well as a "Shared Risk" program for IVF. Basically, if you need IVF and qualify, you are guaranteed one of two options: 1) you take home a baby or 2) after 6 fresh IVF cycles and no success (ie a baby to take home) you get your money back. No catches. Anyway, I went into the visit with the RE armed with copies of my gyno history as well as Dh's SA results and some questions. I handed over my packet of copies and answered the doc's initial questions. You know the normal patient history questions. Then while he was looking at my printed history, I outlined our TTC journey. Almost immediately, the doc noticed DH's SA results and stopped me to ask about them. Then he went on to say that although we were told that Dh's numbers were "fine," a "little low, but fine" they really aren't.

That SA was done back in October. We've been marching along trying on our own with the assumption that things looked ok on my end and things were "fine" on Dh's end. I was a tad PO'd. Granted Dr. M is NOT a fertility specialist, but he's done enough preliminary fertility workups with patients to know what are and are not good SA results. Needless to say, the SA was to be repeated.

The Doc went on to explain that based on my history, our answers to his questions and Dh's SA, that he would most likely be recommending IVF for us. Of course we need to pass pre-screening and he wanted Dh to see a urologist and to repeat the SA, but that with the numbers we are showing, IUI wouldn't work and he didn't want to waste our time or money traveling any further down a dead-end road.

July 13, we went back down for pre-screening tests. Specifically, CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound for me, and Dh's SA. While we were down there we both had blood drawn for infectious disease panels (specifically Hep B, Hep C, HIV and for me a CBC panel and something else I can't remember at the moment.)

Next week, I return for a Mock Embryo Transfer and to meet with the IVF coordinator to go over our bloodwork, SA and MET, as well as talk about next steps.

To be honest, I am not completely sure how I feel about it. I'm not emotional about it. I didn't cry, I'm not bemoaning the fact that we may need IVF, I'm not even overly numb about it.

On one hand, I am excited to have a path to travel. On the other, it now becomes a financial discussion.

Dh is with me on this "not sure how we feel" boat. On one hand he is upset because he now feels that it's "his fault" we haven't been successful, but on the other he's glad to maybe have a diagnosis. He feels that a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" is unacceptable and would not be comfortable moving forward with IVF unless there is a definitive reason to. 

So, one more test for me and a conversation next week and I'll have more of an answer as to what we're thinking about doing.

May goals & April recap

April goals were:
as usual green = accomplished, blue = 50/50 results, red = did not accomplish
sweep & vacuum upstairs daily -- about half the month I did really good, the first half, not so great
get back into daily laundry routine -- counting this as a success since I am now caught up on laundry & able to do one load a day.
one field trip (wih daycare) per week -- twice we had planned trips but chose not to go due to some behavior issues. Twice we planned and did go.
read one book on list
cook/eat at home 6/7 days/nights per week -- proud of myself for this one.
leave a clean sink every night-- I did ok. maybe 4 or 5 nights out of 7
make bed daily
make time for girlfriends
run/workout at least 3 days per week

Now my goals for May are:
continue taking temps & charting
read one book on list
cook/eat at home 6/7 nights per week
clean sink every night
run/workout 3-4 days per week
update daycare website
build entryway system like this one

Day of Me...

I've been having a very rough week.
Things that I've been trying to stay optimistic and positive about were slowly starting to really just weigh me down.
I'm not a naturally optimistic person. I tend to side on the realistic/pessimistic view of life. I feel safer that way.

I tell myself it's so I won't be disappointed.

I tell myself that when I believe nothing good is going to come of any given situation, and something good DOES happen, I'll be that much happier because I wasn't expecting it. Usually, though the negativity breeds negativity so eventually, I'm proven right and disappointed regardless of what I tell myself.

So, being optimistic about gaining new clients and having a baby when there doesn't seem to be any new developments in either category just tends to make me angry after a while.

Does that make sense? No?

Well, I don't know, I guess it's not necessarily the situation that makes me upset...it's being optimistic about the eventual outcome with no basis for that thought that makes me upset. It's like I feel lied to, even though it's ME doing the lying.

I constantly have to tell myself to BE optimistic.

Conversations inside my head sometimes sound like this:
"Maybe we'll be pregnant this month!"
"No, it's probably not going to happen, don't get your hopes up for nothing."
"Well, I haven't started a new cycle, maybe that means it might happen."
"Aaaah, but feel that twinge? That's the beginning of the end of this cycle...told ya" (which ended up being the real truth -- my chart)
OR
"God is keeping doors open for you, client wise so that good things will come"
"Maybe, clients aren't calling because they don't like what I have to offer. What if I'm not good enough?"
"It's ok, you don't have to take the first person who asks for a spot...hold out for the perfect fit." "What if the perfect fit doesn't come along soon? I don't want to be waiting for 6 months with no additional income when I can make a few dollars now!"

Ok, so I guess you can see that sometimes it has more to do with a lack of self-confidence...

talking oneself out of the game is a hard habit to break.

I am trying to change. I just am not sure where to start. I've been reading The Happiness Project which is helping me to re-think some things.

Something that I'm trying right now is that every time I think of one thing I DON'T have, I remind myself of two things I DO have. Like, major on my list is that I have a loving and supportive husband and my animals who don't care if I am pretty enough or smart enough or say & do the right thing all the time, they all just love me for me. That's pretty special.

Today, I woke up sick of myself. I wanted out of my own self-induced funk. I decided to be selfish and be treated to a "Day of Me."

I made myself go for a run.

I went and got my eyebrows waxed & a haircut.

Met the hubs for lunch and then got a manicure & a pedicure.

Next, I laid in bed and did nothing but peruse Pinterest & look at my pretty pink toes for 2 hours.

It was nice, it was relaxing, it makes me want to spend MORE money on myself! ha ha!

So, here's to my 'Day of Me' and my pretty pink toenails!

I hope your weekend is wonderful!

April Goals & March Check In...

I'm late to check in with my March goals & late to make my April goals. What can I say, it's probably laziness! Anyway for March, I had these goals (green = accomplished, blue= did regularly, but not consistently, red = didn't accomplish):

sweep & vacuum upstairs floors daily.
take temp daily, note on chart.
make bed daily --after my wisdom teeth were removed, I was in bed most of the weekend so didn't see the point, and haven't quite gotten back into the habit.
empty sink daily --I hate dishes...with a passion.
cook/eat at home 6/7 nights
do 3 projects per week for daycare kiddos -- and the reason is, the one 3.5 yo I have was not interested in projects and it was nice out so we played outside all day long.
work on photography every day
read 1 non-romance book: my list
spend time with girlfriends - a couple of phone calls, no face to faces though.
make & keep playgroup dates for daycare -- I made 3 playdates, but they were cancelled by the other party :( 

And now for my April Goals:
sweep & vacuum upstairs daily
get back into daily laundry routine
one field trip (wih daycare) per week
read one book on list
cook/eat at home 6/7 days/nights per week
leave a clean sink every night
make bed daily
make time for girlfriends
run/workout at least 3 days per week

March goals

I am starting late on my March goals, so there won't be many. Just a few cleaning & daycare related things.

• sweep & vacuum upstairs floors daily.
• take temp daily, note on chart.
• make bed daily
• empty sink daily
• cook/eat at home 6/7 nights
• do 3 projects per week for daycare kiddos
• work on photography every day
• read 1 non-romance book: my list
• spend time with girlfriends
• make & keep playgroup dates for daycare

I'll check back on April 1 to see how I did.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

Thursday morning, I had 4 wisdom teeth removed. Yep, I'm 29 & most people get their teeth removed during high school or college. Oh, well. I guess I like to make sure it's necessary.

Right after surgery

The two teeth they pulled intact. Two others had to be broken.

The surgery went well and I'm feeling pretty good considering I've never had surgery before. I chose to go under general anesthesia, which created some anxiety in itself. I'm glad I did because it's been reported that they had to break 2 teeth to remove them and I can NOT imagine seeing the surgeon above me pounding on my tooth to break it.

34 hours after surgery. slight swelling on my right side.

Anyways, feeling better than I thought I would be.So thankful for my awesome daycare families for being so understanding why I closed Friday & Monday and also to my friend  Megan for giving up her day to watch my daycare kidlets so I didn't have to close an extra day.

I have the BEST hubby in the world. He's been an amazing nurse and I might just milk this for another couple days! :) Nah, I won't do that to him.

On the road to baby H, BFN

I haven't been tempting so I am assuming my dpo, but I *may* be 14 dpo (based on a 28 day cycle with O on/around cd14.) Usually, I have a 30 day cycle and O on or around cd17, so based on that information, I would be 10/11 dpo.


BFN on a EPT Certainty digital this AM.

I want to go get some Dollar store tests and some First Response Early Results as well. Hubby hates when I go overboard, but idk....I really want to make sure it's negative. Also, I want to pick up a new BBT.

I have my wisdom teeth extraction on Thursday morning, which unfortunately for me is supposed to be cd1. I didn't plan too well, I guess.

Noticed some light spotting this morning, but my breasts are still tender (unusal for PMS, they are usually back to normal a day/two before I spot/start my cycle.) Also, different this cycle is that I've noticed cramping mid-cycle, several days in a row. I was feeling *heavier* in my lower abdomen, so I was thinking this might be the cycle, but we shall see I suppose.

On the road to baby H, Progesterone

My progesterone levels are good. I didn't get a number from the doctor because, well, I didn't think to. But according to Dr. M, I "definitely ovulated."


Now we play the waiting game to see if the clomid was what I needed to give me a boost. I am testing on Tuesday 3/13. That's two days before my next cycle's "start date" & I am scheduled for my wisdom tooth extraction on the 15th (can we say bad timing on my part). I don't want to cancel if I don't have to, but obviously, if I am pregnant, I don't want to go under anesthesia or take pain meds. Or deal with pain after the surgery withOUT pain meds

On the road to baby H, cycle day 21

Today is cycle day 21. I went in to have blood drawn for a progesterone count. I should find out in a few days whether I ovulated or not.


We did really good with baby dancing this cycle. I found a few tricks I was able to use to keep DH interested and feeling spontaneous. That's a hard thing to do when you are trying to go every 36-48 hours. I won't go into any details, but at least this cycle, things are looking good on paper.

I wanted to restart temping last month, but I can't find my basal body thermometer. Will be getting a new one before the next cycle day 1. Will try to post my charts or a link to them as I post. my chart

Nervous for the progesterone results, I have this fear that I'm going to test low, even with the clomid. At least then we'll have an possible explanation for the past 20 months of non-conception.

I can start testing around about next Sunday/Monday. Perhaps this month will be the month!

On the road to Baby H, Confessions: baby stuff

Do you think I'm odd that I troll pregnancy forums and websites? I have hundreds of bookmarks on my computer of baby blogs, gear lists, nursery blog posts, parenting blogs, etc. I love reading blogs about pregnancy and babies. I even have a registry! Eeek! I haven't told anyone that, before. Am I a glutton for punishment???

I know. I know. I've heard. I've been told it's not quite the thing and that it will make me crazy. I've talked to women online who do/have done similar things, and they've all said they've eventually come to the realization that it's unhealthy. I disagree. Only for myself, for ME personally. I'm not there yet for a couple reasons.

1) I take care of babies. It's my job. I play with baby toys, change babies, use baby products and in some cases buy baby gear, toys, formula, food, etc for my daycare. So, I can't just pretend they don't exist.

2) I feel like I look at these websites and forums and registry items with hope. I feel like if I told myself that I CAN'T look at, plan, dream, design, build my future baby's life, nursery, first year, inutero time, etc. then I would lose the hope that it CAN still happen. I would lose that belief that my deepest wish WILL come true. Sort of like, "If you build it, they will come". (I love me some Kevin Costner movies; Field of Dreams, 1989)

3) I like to know what is out there so when I AM with child I can feel confident in my choices, because I've done my research.

4) It takes me and my DH sooooo long to make decisions, and especially put those decisions into action that by making decisions, researching items, saving for the nursery/baby items/etc. I feel like I have a head start for when the baby comes. Plus, I am so scared I'm going to be one of those women who ends up on the TLC show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

Anyway, so there is my confession. do you think it's abnormal? Do you think it's too much pressure? Do you feel like it would stress you out to have to look at or read information about pregnancy, other women's pregnancies, registries or baby items? Would you or do you do this? Just curious if I'm the only one!

On the road to baby H, last day of clomid

I started Clomid last week. 5 days of 50 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle. Today is the last day. In 2 weeks, I'm to go into see Dr. M for an ultrasound. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to start taking these hormone drugs, but it's worth a shot to see if it can give us the boost we need, before we determine if we are ready for the next giant step.

 

What Clomid does is tell your body that it doesn't have enough estrogen. This prompts the thyroid to increase production of gonadotropin-releasing hormone, which in turn stimulates the release of LH & FSH which triggers the ovaries to form and mature follicles and eventually release eggs. Typically, Clomid is used for women who have a hard time ovulating. This doesn't seem to be the problem in my case, however since Dr. M is an ob/gyn and NOT a specialist in infertility, we haven't done the invasive and vigorous testing to determine if I am in fact ovulating or not ovulating. Based on my charts and my previous cycles, which are completely regular and normal, it is assumed that I do ovulate and that my body is producing adequate hormones. I am not one for meaningless medication but if I can give this a try (for $9 per Rx, generic) before I feel compelled to start in with mucho more expensive testing/specialists then I feel it's worth a shot. I guess for me the hope is that this may help stimulate my ovaries to produce more than one egg, thereby increasing my chance of conception. It does increase the risk of multiple fertilization, but I'm thinking I haven't had luck even conceiving ONE baby let alone TWO babies so that risk is something I have to take.

 

From what I read online and in Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc is typically well tolerated and I experienced none of the following symptoms. But here is a list of the possible side effects just for my reference and in case you were curious. Of course, speak with your physician about your individual situation and possibility of side effects.

 

Side effects of Clomid:

• blurred vision
• breast tenderness
• dizziness
• enlargement of the ovaries
• flushing
• hot flashes
• headaches
• lightheadedness
• mood change
• nausea
• pelvic pain or bloating
• vomiting
• stomach pain
• increased chance of multiple conceptions (5-8% vs. 2% in normal population, based on Making Babies)
• reduction of fertile cervical mucus, essentially drying up the mucus making it harder for the spermies to get through, thereby reducing the likelihood of fertilization
• thinning of the endometrium, sometimes to the point of inhibiting implantation

 Also sometimes severe reactions are said to occur:

• severe allergic reactions (including breathing problems and swelling of the mouth, face, etc)
• overstimulation of the ovaries
• increased risk of ovarian cancer
• spontaneous abortion

One weird note for me, and I don't know if this is due to the medication or not, but my cycle was days shorter this time. Normal up until day 1, but by day 5 I was completely done, which is unlike my normal cycles. Usually it's exactly 7 days, sometimes more, I don't recall a time when it was shorter. Anyway, perhaps that is due to the increased production of hormones?

 

On another note, I have a consultation this afternoon with a dental surgeon to discuss removing my wisdom teeth. Yep, almost 30 years old and still have my wisdom teeth. Anyway, I'm kind of stressed about that. Anyway, I best call my dr to schedule that appointment for 2 weeks

On the road to baby H, Back to the doctor on Friday...

Since my last post, hubby and I have been working hard on staying positive, reconnecting and making a doubled effort to fit in the baby-dancing. So far, I can say that we are feeling more connected with each other and our efforts to make this baby thing happen. I've started trying to eat more healthily and exercise again. I was doing really good in the fall, but then it got dark out so early and I couldn't run in the evenings. Now, my friend M and I are hitting the base gym and we are planning on heading outside soon. Hubby and I have also made a plan to walk/jog early in the morning with the dogs. Both to exercise them and to create a healthy habit for us to share. We both need to lose some weight and some inches of belly fat. (Which could help me with the baby-making!)


Things haven't been going so hot in the business department, since I've had to let a family go and within 3 weeks have lost 4 other children to preschool, moving and mom's maternity leave. It's stressful to go from having 7 children in care to having 2, with one being part time. I know that things will bounce back and I've been told my online friends in the biz that this is a cyclical thing. It adds a layer of stress to my plate that I thought I was getting rid of when I let the one family go.

Maybe God is telling me something? Maybe he is readying me for coming months and freeing my plate for appointments and testing and such. Who knows? I leave it in His hands and give Him my trust that only He knows the final outcome.

I have met with my doctor again. This past Friday I went to talk to him about our next steps.

To be honest. I don't feel ready for meeting with infertility specialists, especially since I now know that my insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments. NONE. Wonderful, yay! So, we have to really weigh the cost of specialists and trying with invasive medical treatments with our way of life and what we hope to accomplish. Yes, I know that having a child of our own would be the most wonderful thing, but having seen friends go through that type of treatment and be unsuccessful it makes me think. As an outsider, I've seen how one person's sole vision of becoming a parent against all obstacles can harm a relationship, put undue stress one each other both financially and emotionally, and just take focus away from a marriage and place it solely on one person's wants above the other. I don't EVER want to be that person in my marriage. I don't EVER want to hold myself above my husband. Yes, I want to be a mother, but that doesn't overshadow my commitment and vows to my husband. Our relationship must come first, our marriage must be sound and filled with love, honesty and commitment. I feel that a child brought into the world based solely on ONE parent's wish to be a parent, will lack a fundamental blessing. I know children are born daily to single mothers or individuals who don't really want to be a parent, but to knowingly make the choice to conceive a child under those circumstances is irresponsible and ultimately cruel to the child. Only my opinion of course...but I know how it feels to be a child who was unwanted by a parent. It's not fun, and the love from one parent isn't always enough to bridge that hole in the child's heart. I had a good and loved childhood, and I don't wish back that time. I just want better for my children. So my relationship with my husband will always be priority number one. Well, until that child comes and then it will share that top spot.

Anyway, so I met with Dr. M. and we talked about trying Clomid with my next cycle. Even though it seems that I ovulate regularly, we're hoping the medicine will guarantee ovulation and/or multiple eggs to better our chances of conception. He feels that this will be the last step with their office. Since they are not specialists with infertility, they don't offer the further testing I may need and the medications that may or may not go along with those tests. He did give me a few names of physicians and clinics near here that are good infertility specialists so I have some research to do.

My cycle will start in 4-5 days and I am to start the medication on day 3 and conitue for 4 days. I haven't been taking my temperature for several months, but I will be starting again this week. Just to make sure that I am righ within my prior cycles. Since I am so regular, I simply got frustrated with the charting and taking of the temperature. It made me feel MORE out of control than I did before and I would be crazy during the two weeks before my flow would start. Now, however, having something to do makes me want to know what is going on.

Cross your fingers for me, wish me luck. We're optimistic!