Sunday, February 12, 2012

On the road to baby H, Back to the doctor on Friday...

Since my last post, hubby and I have been working hard on staying positive, reconnecting and making a doubled effort to fit in the baby-dancing. So far, I can say that we are feeling more connected with each other and our efforts to make this baby thing happen. I've started trying to eat more healthily and exercise again. I was doing really good in the fall, but then it got dark out so early and I couldn't run in the evenings. Now, my friend M and I are hitting the base gym and we are planning on heading outside soon. Hubby and I have also made a plan to walk/jog early in the morning with the dogs. Both to exercise them and to create a healthy habit for us to share. We both need to lose some weight and some inches of belly fat. (Which could help me with the baby-making!)

Things haven't been going so hot in the business department, since I've had to let a family go and within 3 weeks have lost 4 other children to preschool, moving and mom's maternity leave. It's stressful to go from having 7 children in care to having 2, with one being part time. I know that things will bounce back and I've been told my online friends in the biz that this is a cyclical thing. It adds a layer of stress to my plate that I thought I was getting rid of when I let the one family go.

Maybe God is telling me something? Maybe he is readying me for coming months and freeing my plate for appointments and testing and such. Who knows? I leave it in His hands and give Him my trust that only He knows the final outcome.

I have met with my doctor again. This past Friday I went to talk to him about our next steps.

To be honest. I don't feel ready for meeting with infertility specialists, especially since I now know that my insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments. NONE. Wonderful, yay! So, we have to really weigh the cost of specialists and trying with invasive medical treatments with our way of life and what we hope to accomplish. Yes, I know that having a child of our own would be the most wonderful thing, but having seen friends go through that type of treatment and be unsuccessful it makes me think. As an outsider, I've seen how one person's sole vision of becoming a parent against all obstacles can harm a relationship, put undue stress one each other both financially and emotionally, and just take focus away from a marriage and place it solely on one person's wants above the other. I don't EVER want to be that person in my marriage. I don't EVER want to hold myself above my husband. Yes, I want to be a mother, but that doesn't overshadow my commitment and vows to my husband. Our relationship must come first, our marriage must be sound and filled with love, honesty and commitment. I feel that a child brought into the world based solely on ONE parent's wish to be a parent, will lack a fundamental blessing. I know children are born daily to single mothers or individuals who don't really want to be a parent, but to knowingly make the choice to conceive a child under those circumstances is irresponsible and ultimately cruel to the child. Only my opinion of course...but I know how it feels to be a child who was unwanted by a parent. It's not fun, and the love from one parent isn't always enough to bridge that hole in the child's heart. I had a good and loved childhood, and I don't wish back that time. I just want better for my children. So my relationship with my husband will always be priority number one. Well, until that child comes and then it will share that top spot.

Anyway, so I met with Dr. M. and we talked about trying Clomid with my next cycle. Even though it seems that I ovulate regularly, we're hoping the medicine will guarantee ovulation and/or multiple eggs to better our chances of conception. He feels that this will be the last step with their office. Since they are not specialists with infertility, they don't offer the further testing I may need and the medications that may or may not go along with those tests. He did give me a few names of physicians and clinics near here that are good infertility specialists so I have some research to do.

My cycle will start in 4-5 days and I am to start the medication on day 3 and conitue for 4 days. I haven't been taking my temperature for several months, but I will be starting again this week. Just to make sure that I am righ within my prior cycles. Since I am so regular, I simply got frustrated with the charting and taking of the temperature. It made me feel MORE out of control than I did before and I would be crazy during the two weeks before my flow would start. Now, however, having something to do makes me want to know what is going on.

Cross your fingers for me, wish me luck. We're optimistic!

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