Friday, December 30, 2011

On the road to baby H, trying to find peace

Well, it's the week after Christmas, 2 days until a brand New Year. I haven't been posting, because I've had very mixed emotions leading into this holiday season.

On one hand, I'm very sad that I'm not able to share the joy of the Christmas season and experience a new level of family with our own child.

On the other, with the stress of my job, our basement renovation and a broken sewer pipe looming over my head these past few weeks...I found myself secretly GLAD I don't have the added stress of a pregnant body or a demanding newborn to care for. Caring for 5-6 non-related children 10-11 hours a day takes it's toll and I enjoy closing the door on the last family to leave and returning to "grown-up" world for a few hours.

I mean, don't get me wrong...I love my job. My calling is to work with children, so it's a blessing to be able to work from home and get paid to play all day. And some days are easier than others. But, gosh some days suck the big one. When the 18 mo doesn't want to nap AT ALL that ENTIRE day, just happily yell at the top of her lungs...I'm not kidding she's HAPPY!!...which means no one else can nap well that day and poor me, gets no quiet time! (INSERT VIOLIN MUSIC HERE) Or when the 3 & 4 year olds simply don't get along. Oh, no, nothing is wrong, they just want to fight and whine and tattle on each other.

I started this Home Daycare business for a few reasons. I love working with children (check) I enjoy being my own boss (check) I like setting and adhereing to my own policies (double check) I can stay at HOME with my children and still earn a living to help support my family (missing check.) This last one is a little difficult for me to type out. I had so many visions of how easy it would be to start this home business, get married and start pumping out bambinos. It obviously hasn't worked that way. Three years (this past December) since I opened and still nada.

Hubby and I attended a mutlitude of family gatherings this holiday season, like we do every year and it was comforting and saddening that the situation is unchanging. I can't wait for the year that I get to hold my little one while we sing Christmas carols or open presents. I can't wait for the year that I can take pictures of my bundle of joy on Santa's lap, or giving thanks during Thanksgiving dinner for the blessing that is a gift from God. But it was comforting to know that my family and friends are still there regardless of our parental state, or lack thereof. It is nice to know that I can focus on others in our family without worrying about stretching myself too thin, financially, physically, or emotionally.

I took a step back these past 2 months and really looked at what emotions I was going through...I allowed myself to feel them, I embraced them at times. I became at peace about them. It's tough to have to wait for something I KNOW I am meant for. It's painful to watch others have what I long for. But I think it's small of me to envy theim their blessings. I've tried to find the strength inside myself to be STRONG enough to be HAPPY for others who are creating the memories that I wish so much to have. I know God has a plan for me, I trust that He understands my true heart and sees what I feel most desparately in my soul. I know that only He knows what the future holds. This holiday season as I laughed happily with my nephews & nieces, sighed with relief after the daycare Christmas party when I had no one to care for but myself, played Barbies & drew pictures wth my God-daughter & her sister, wept with despair at our lack of children to hold, railed with anger at the un-fair way it seems children are granted to those who aren't ready (by their own admission, I have to add) I found myself letting go and putting the answers into God's hands. I found peace after each emotion...I found joy in the small quiet moments on Christmas morning with my husband. I found happiness, that I didn't expect to find in my family and friends.

I haven't talked to Dr. M since October. I haven't had any more tests since my annual gyno visit in November. We took a few months to re-group and to re-connect emotionally with our individual selves and each other and we're willing to try again. We had the testing done to see if there is any major structural issues with both of us...we've gotten good & fair results respectively. I will give it another couple of months and then we'll move on with our process. I've started temping and charting again...purely for data.

I don't know how to explain...but I wasn't 100% sure 2011 was our year. I have good feelings about 2012.

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