Update...On the Road to Baby H...New Beginnings

This may be long and boring. Hey, I'm warning you before hand!

B & P enjoying the FL sun while scouting for ducks

In 2012 my hubby and I finally decided to visit a fertility specialist regarding our then 3 year journey through trying to conceive (TTC). We are at 5 years TTC now. We did blood tests, ultrasounds and analyses. We spoke to the doctor and he jumped us right to IVF. Which was (while sort of expected) was shocking, heartbreaking and mind-numbing. Truth be told, we both freaked. The price tag was so high, the hormonal, physical, emotional and scheduling tolls were overwhelming and I know we both weren't ready to face that diagnosis and suggested protocol.

See, I had been on the TTC journey and was so done with charting, temping, researching all the little tips and tricks blogged about and youtubed about. We had tried just about everything I had heard of to try to boost both his and my fertility naturally to allow conception to happen in the most natural way possible. Sometimes, hubby was on board, sometimes he wasn't. I don't want to get things twisted, he wanted and still does want a baby just as much as me, but I was ready and willing to do what it took then and there to make it happen. He was still sort of in the phase of "if it happens..." So, most of the time I felt more invested than he did, and as a woman, I felt more devastated when month after month we had zero success.

Compounding that feeling of isolation, I didn't have anyone I could turn to that had been through it. My good friend tried to understand, but she literally gets pregnant when her hubby sneezes on her. Not to say she didn't wish for, plan or try for her beautiful children, but when you get pregnant the first month you try, not once, but three times, you really can not comprehend the devastation it feels to have bfn after bfn times 5 years. She tried and she was there for me whenever I needed to vent, cry, or just talk, but when you can't truly understand the depth of despair someone is experience, sometimes it gets hard to listen to them day after day. She wanted good news for me, and I could tell at times she just wanted to tell me "do something about it...stop complaining."

We decided to do nothing at that time. Decided to pay off debt (we didn't have much, and none of it credit card debt, but student loans, a car loan and a home equity from improvements we had done on our home) and began saving money and discussing our options. Basically, we took a break from actively TTC. Which means nothing, because we weren't preventing, so we were actively trying. I just wasnt doing all the "work" involved.

So fast forward from to June 2014. We have moved 1500 miles, bought a new house, hubby has settled into a new job and I have tried to settle into a new role in life. We met with a new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in May and have undergone repeat testing, ultrasounds and analyses to confirm our previous diagnosis.

Yesterday, we met with Dr. P again after all the results are in: I have excellent ovarian reserve, my uterus looks ideal to carry to term and I am considered young, 31; I am also a carrier for cystic fibrosis (no shock, since my younger half-brother passed away from complications related to CF at 16 in 2005) but overall in good health. There was a cyst on my left ovary that the Dr. wants to keep an eye on, and in fact mentioned that he feels it may be endometrial in nature. This would make a huge amount of sense, since endometriosis very commonly attributes to infertility. I have not had any of the "normal" symptoms of endometriosis, but that can be common. Since I didn't have common or "normal" symptoms of endo, none of my previous doctors considered it necessary to check for it. And, I was and still am ok with that. I was more upset about the lack of concern given my hubby's SA back in 2011 (with my regular gyn) that we found contributed greatly to our need for IVF 6  months later. 6 months of what felt like wasted opportunity. Hubby's blood work came back just fine, and the results of his most recent SA, while slightly better, still mimicked the previous results.

Because those results were slightly better, Dr. P has altered his suggested course of action. We can still move forward with IVF (with the $15,000 price tag) or we can attempt 1-3 rounds of IUI at around $300 a pop. We have a much lower potential for success (7%) with the IUI, namely because of count, lack of control and well the possibility of an endometrial cyst on my left ovary. However, it is worth a discussion simply due to the price tag.
We have been planning for and saving for the IVF for a while. Although, with the move and several other factors, our savings isn't as large as we had hoped. But we both decided we wouldn't put our current lives on hold (i.e. not do things we really wanted to do) simply to save for a baby. We have accepted that we may never have a baby. It may never happen for us. That would be devastating and heart breaking, but we are both attempting (and succeeding to some degree) to be at peace with that. Therefore, we refuse to stop our lives now, when we are young and child-free, and not do some of the fun things we want to do.

Like go to Disney world!!
 

So potentially saving $10,000+ and encouraging a more natural conception are big pros on the IUI list.

Another benefit of the IUI over the IVF is the fact that Dr. P feels we don't need the injectable drugs with the IUI. Meaning, I would have a 'natural' cycle with clomid and a hCG trigger shot to time insemination. That sounds good to this girl who can't even watch as they take blood or give shots. The thought of having to have daily or twice daily shots for weeks on end has given me such anxiety. Thankfully, Hubby has agreed to step up and administer said shots, while being oddly gleeful about it. LOL

So, that is where we are. Trying to decide between the greater success rate afforded with IVF or the lower price tag of IUI for our first try. We are fully understanding and expecting that we may have to have IVF after IUI, we would just be postponing IVF for the fingerscrossed chance IUI will work.

If you have gone through fertility treatments, IUI (clomid or injectables) or IVF, please let me know your thoughts. I know everyone's story is different and our success rates are not the same as anyone else, but I would love to hear opinions of those who have been in the trenches. Say a prayer for us that we are able to come to the best decision for us, and maybe also that God sees fit to grant us with that which he envisions for us.

Much love and best wishes,
Jen

It's March Already...

Today is Thursday, March 6. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and for Lent (even though I am not Catholic) I have chosen to give up Facebook. Not all of social media, but I am eliminating Facebook from my daily life.

We moved 1500 miles to Florida back in November. It's amazing how much time as passed, it feels like yesterday and so long ago at the same time. We celebrated our first Thanksgiving in the new house, our first Christmas and our first houseguests in January.

I tell you, moving is no joke. It is hard, stressful and painful. It feels exciting and new in the moment, but it truly is one big life change. Added to that is my change from worker bee to homemaker. Both hubby and I are still adjusting to this new dynamic in our relationship. I have to be honest, I can't be certain this is the path for me. I am an introvert by nature and not having the avenue of meeting people through work (either in home or outside of the home) has been devastating. It's a mind game I play with myself, but I really don't find myself all that interesting and therefore can't imagine too many others will either, haha. I have never been one to easily make friends, and truth to tell, I don't know where to start. It is rather intimidating and scary at the same time. And yes, as a 31 year old woman, I understand that is probably very silly and childish.

Some things I have been focused on since moving:
Setting up the house
Buying new furniture
Creating a cleaning and home maintenance routine
Keeping the newly created routine plan
Searching my heart regarding work/school/staying at home
Returning to routine exercise
Good nutrition
Opening my heart to the Lord
Accepting my current place in life and the path God has for me
Beginning steps in our infertility journey here in Florida
Finding a purpose
Meeting new people and making new friends

I haven't decided fully which, how much, or when yet, but I hope to share some more in depth focus on these items in the near future.

It has been a lesson for me, this new life. I miss my friends, I miss my house and yard for the dogs, I greatly missed seeing and experiencing all the snow that happened back home. I still feel like I'm on vacation. It's such a disconnect between what is happening to my friends and family and what I experience here.
I miss my job at the daycare so very much. I miss seeing the little ones grow and learn every day. I miss sharing the daily milestones with my co-teachers and mentors at the center, I miss having an outlet to share my heart, I miss having a daily purpose. Not that keeping a clean and pleasant home for my husband and animals isn't a purpose, but I am not sure it is the only purpose I am called by God to do in my life.

2013 Resolutions...

On this last day of 2012, I spent some time thinking of some wishes I have for the coming year. Most importantly, I want to make 2013 a happier year than 2012. I seemed to spend a lot of time feeling very negative and anxious. I don't want to live my life that way. I don't want to spend my time being disappointed with what I have and wishing for something more. I have a long bucket list of things I want to do, be or accomplish this year.

**I am giving myself a reality check and acknowledging that some of these things may not happen.**

Let's get started. I am going to list them in no order of priority. I am going to categorize them by ultimate goals and then what I need to accomplish in order to reach that goal.

*Tough Mudder (June) --> 3 days/week Run training
                           --> 3 days/week Strength training
                           --> run < 9.5 minutes per mile
                           --> 10K run (April)
                           --> Dirty Girl 5K (May)
*Half Marathon (October) -->same as above.

*Be Healthier --> 3 days/week run training
                       --> 3 days/week strength training
                       --> Eat healthier
                       --> Sleep better
                       --> Talk & visit with friends and family more
                      
*Disney Vacation
*Christmas Caribbean Cruise
*Sky-diving
*NYC to see a Broadway show
*Make the house our home --after 7 years of living here, I still feel as though this isn't our home.  It still feels as though we rent from hubby's parents and now that we don't have the daycare in the home, it's time to really make it our own. I'm excited to be able to do what we want inside our home.

One thing you may notice missing is a reference to having a baby. I have absolutely no control over that happening naturally. We have incorporated everything we can do at home, ourselves. It's not that I want to give up per se...but we have to save for any fertility treatment we may need (specifically IVF). That can't happen right now.  It feels as though we are always saving for something, always waiting for something, never fully living. I am tired of feeling like that. It's depressing. It highlights what we don't have rather than focusing on what we do have, which is each other, our health, a home and 4 loving and wonderful pets. We have our friends and our families and it's time we return to prioritizing them and our happiness with each other rather than something that's missing. Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything, but I have to be able to have a life while we wait to be blessed naturally OR we have enough to have the treatments we need. I don't want having or not having a baby to be the only thing that matters. It's hard, though, to just turn off the cycle of baby thoughts that runs through anyone's mind who is TTC. Especially for a woman who, after 3 1/2 years is so in tune with her body, she knows where she is in her cycle without a chart or cell phone app. I still plan to monitor my bbt. But that's it. I want to focus more on being healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.

 Which leads me to my last resolution:
*Be Happier ON PURPOSE -->Talk & visit more with friends and family
                                              -->Eat better
                                              -->Sleep better
                                              -->Laugh more
                                              -->Daily Affirmations


I have a long list of things to focus on. I am really excited to get started in less than 12 hours. And I want to wish you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish you all the health and happiness you hope for in 2013!!

On the Road to Baby H... Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! This a joyous time. It is a time to look at your blessings and share the celebration of the birth of Christ with your friends and family. I hope you each have some precious memories filed away from this year! I myself got to meet 2 brand-new family members (our 4 month old niece and our 3 week old nephew) and we spent some quality time with family and friends.

It has been an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks and days. Seeing friends and family prepare to spread the magic and joy of Christmas with their children is hard. It is fun to participate and fun to talk about, but sometimes it's a hard thing to think about. I want to do those same things. I have so, so many ideas that I would love to do, but they have to wait.

I was doing some random pinteresting today during the drive to family celebrations and I ran across this blog post regarding Infertility Etiquette. I copied and posted the link below for those of you who may be interested.

Infertility Etiquette

I hope all of your holidays were wonderful! Only 6 days until 2013!!

On the road to baby H...update

It's been quite awhile since I've updated about our TTC. I was getting pretty discouraged and in trying to maintain my composure, it seemed too difficult to really talk about it.

As an update, I'll condense the past few weeks into this post and try to keep it short.

June 21, we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist. I chose a clinic about 1 1/2 hours away from us. They have an AMAZING reputation, put an emphasis on patient care and education and really their statistics are a huge selling point. One of their best attributes is that they offer financing and discount options as well as a "Shared Risk" program for IVF. Basically, if you need IVF and qualify, you are guaranteed one of two options: 1) you take home a baby or 2) after 6 fresh IVF cycles and no success (ie a baby to take home) you get your money back. No catches. Anyway, I went into the visit with the RE armed with copies of my gyno history as well as Dh's SA results and some questions. I handed over my packet of copies and answered the doc's initial questions. You know the normal patient history questions. Then while he was looking at my printed history, I outlined our TTC journey. Almost immediately, the doc noticed DH's SA results and stopped me to ask about them. Then he went on to say that although we were told that Dh's numbers were "fine," a "little low, but fine" they really aren't.

That SA was done back in October. We've been marching along trying on our own with the assumption that things looked ok on my end and things were "fine" on Dh's end. I was a tad PO'd. Granted Dr. M is NOT a fertility specialist, but he's done enough preliminary fertility workups with patients to know what are and are not good SA results. Needless to say, the SA was to be repeated.

The Doc went on to explain that based on my history, our answers to his questions and Dh's SA, that he would most likely be recommending IVF for us. Of course we need to pass pre-screening and he wanted Dh to see a urologist and to repeat the SA, but that with the numbers we are showing, IUI wouldn't work and he didn't want to waste our time or money traveling any further down a dead-end road.

July 13, we went back down for pre-screening tests. Specifically, CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound for me, and Dh's SA. While we were down there we both had blood drawn for infectious disease panels (specifically Hep B, Hep C, HIV and for me a CBC panel and something else I can't remember at the moment.)

Next week, I return for a Mock Embryo Transfer and to meet with the IVF coordinator to go over our bloodwork, SA and MET, as well as talk about next steps.

To be honest, I am not completely sure how I feel about it. I'm not emotional about it. I didn't cry, I'm not bemoaning the fact that we may need IVF, I'm not even overly numb about it.

On one hand, I am excited to have a path to travel. On the other, it now becomes a financial discussion.

Dh is with me on this "not sure how we feel" boat. On one hand he is upset because he now feels that it's "his fault" we haven't been successful, but on the other he's glad to maybe have a diagnosis. He feels that a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" is unacceptable and would not be comfortable moving forward with IVF unless there is a definitive reason to. 

So, one more test for me and a conversation next week and I'll have more of an answer as to what we're thinking about doing.

Day of Me...

I've been having a very rough week.
Things that I've been trying to stay optimistic and positive about were slowly starting to really just weigh me down.
I'm not a naturally optimistic person. I tend to side on the realistic/pessimistic view of life. I feel safer that way.

I tell myself it's so I won't be disappointed.

I tell myself that when I believe nothing good is going to come of any given situation, and something good DOES happen, I'll be that much happier because I wasn't expecting it. Usually, though the negativity breeds negativity so eventually, I'm proven right and disappointed regardless of what I tell myself.

So, being optimistic about gaining new clients and having a baby when there doesn't seem to be any new developments in either category just tends to make me angry after a while.

Does that make sense? No?

Well, I don't know, I guess it's not necessarily the situation that makes me upset...it's being optimistic about the eventual outcome with no basis for that thought that makes me upset. It's like I feel lied to, even though it's ME doing the lying.

I constantly have to tell myself to BE optimistic.

Conversations inside my head sometimes sound like this:
"Maybe we'll be pregnant this month!"
"No, it's probably not going to happen, don't get your hopes up for nothing."
"Well, I haven't started a new cycle, maybe that means it might happen."
"Aaaah, but feel that twinge? That's the beginning of the end of this cycle...told ya" (which ended up being the real truth -- my chart)
OR
"God is keeping doors open for you, client wise so that good things will come"
"Maybe, clients aren't calling because they don't like what I have to offer. What if I'm not good enough?"
"It's ok, you don't have to take the first person who asks for a spot...hold out for the perfect fit." "What if the perfect fit doesn't come along soon? I don't want to be waiting for 6 months with no additional income when I can make a few dollars now!"

Ok, so I guess you can see that sometimes it has more to do with a lack of self-confidence...

talking oneself out of the game is a hard habit to break.

I am trying to change. I just am not sure where to start. I've been reading The Happiness Project which is helping me to re-think some things.

Something that I'm trying right now is that every time I think of one thing I DON'T have, I remind myself of two things I DO have. Like, major on my list is that I have a loving and supportive husband and my animals who don't care if I am pretty enough or smart enough or say & do the right thing all the time, they all just love me for me. That's pretty special.

Today, I woke up sick of myself. I wanted out of my own self-induced funk. I decided to be selfish and be treated to a "Day of Me."

I made myself go for a run.

I went and got my eyebrows waxed & a haircut.

Met the hubs for lunch and then got a manicure & a pedicure.

Next, I laid in bed and did nothing but peruse Pinterest & look at my pretty pink toes for 2 hours.

It was nice, it was relaxing, it makes me want to spend MORE money on myself! ha ha!

So, here's to my 'Day of Me' and my pretty pink toenails!

I hope your weekend is wonderful!

On the road to baby H, BFN

I haven't been tempting so I am assuming my dpo, but I *may* be 14 dpo (based on a 28 day cycle with O on/around cd14.) Usually, I have a 30 day cycle and O on or around cd17, so based on that information, I would be 10/11 dpo.


BFN on a EPT Certainty digital this AM.

I want to go get some Dollar store tests and some First Response Early Results as well. Hubby hates when I go overboard, but idk....I really want to make sure it's negative. Also, I want to pick up a new BBT.

I have my wisdom teeth extraction on Thursday morning, which unfortunately for me is supposed to be cd1. I didn't plan too well, I guess.

Noticed some light spotting this morning, but my breasts are still tender (unusal for PMS, they are usually back to normal a day/two before I spot/start my cycle.) Also, different this cycle is that I've noticed cramping mid-cycle, several days in a row. I was feeling *heavier* in my lower abdomen, so I was thinking this might be the cycle, but we shall see I suppose.

On the road to baby H, Progesterone

My progesterone levels are good. I didn't get a number from the doctor because, well, I didn't think to. But according to Dr. M, I "definitely ovulated."


Now we play the waiting game to see if the clomid was what I needed to give me a boost. I am testing on Tuesday 3/13. That's two days before my next cycle's "start date" & I am scheduled for my wisdom tooth extraction on the 15th (can we say bad timing on my part). I don't want to cancel if I don't have to, but obviously, if I am pregnant, I don't want to go under anesthesia or take pain meds. Or deal with pain after the surgery withOUT pain meds

On the road to baby H, cycle day 21

Today is cycle day 21. I went in to have blood drawn for a progesterone count. I should find out in a few days whether I ovulated or not.


We did really good with baby dancing this cycle. I found a few tricks I was able to use to keep DH interested and feeling spontaneous. That's a hard thing to do when you are trying to go every 36-48 hours. I won't go into any details, but at least this cycle, things are looking good on paper.

I wanted to restart temping last month, but I can't find my basal body thermometer. Will be getting a new one before the next cycle day 1. Will try to post my charts or a link to them as I post. my chart

Nervous for the progesterone results, I have this fear that I'm going to test low, even with the clomid. At least then we'll have an possible explanation for the past 20 months of non-conception.

I can start testing around about next Sunday/Monday. Perhaps this month will be the month!

On the road to Baby H, Confessions: baby stuff

Do you think I'm odd that I troll pregnancy forums and websites? I have hundreds of bookmarks on my computer of baby blogs, gear lists, nursery blog posts, parenting blogs, etc. I love reading blogs about pregnancy and babies. I even have a registry! Eeek! I haven't told anyone that, before. Am I a glutton for punishment???

I know. I know. I've heard. I've been told it's not quite the thing and that it will make me crazy. I've talked to women online who do/have done similar things, and they've all said they've eventually come to the realization that it's unhealthy. I disagree. Only for myself, for ME personally. I'm not there yet for a couple reasons.

1) I take care of babies. It's my job. I play with baby toys, change babies, use baby products and in some cases buy baby gear, toys, formula, food, etc for my daycare. So, I can't just pretend they don't exist.

2) I feel like I look at these websites and forums and registry items with hope. I feel like if I told myself that I CAN'T look at, plan, dream, design, build my future baby's life, nursery, first year, inutero time, etc. then I would lose the hope that it CAN still happen. I would lose that belief that my deepest wish WILL come true. Sort of like, "If you build it, they will come". (I love me some Kevin Costner movies; Field of Dreams, 1989)

3) I like to know what is out there so when I AM with child I can feel confident in my choices, because I've done my research.

4) It takes me and my DH sooooo long to make decisions, and especially put those decisions into action that by making decisions, researching items, saving for the nursery/baby items/etc. I feel like I have a head start for when the baby comes. Plus, I am so scared I'm going to be one of those women who ends up on the TLC show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

Anyway, so there is my confession. do you think it's abnormal? Do you think it's too much pressure? Do you feel like it would stress you out to have to look at or read information about pregnancy, other women's pregnancies, registries or baby items? Would you or do you do this? Just curious if I'm the only one!

On the road to baby H, last day of clomid

I started Clomid last week. 5 days of 50 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle. Today is the last day. In 2 weeks, I'm to go into see Dr. M for an ultrasound. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to start taking these hormone drugs, but it's worth a shot to see if it can give us the boost we need, before we determine if we are ready for the next giant step.

 

What Clomid does is tell your body that it doesn't have enough estrogen. This prompts the thyroid to increase production of gonadotropin-releasing hormone, which in turn stimulates the release of LH & FSH which triggers the ovaries to form and mature follicles and eventually release eggs. Typically, Clomid is used for women who have a hard time ovulating. This doesn't seem to be the problem in my case, however since Dr. M is an ob/gyn and NOT a specialist in infertility, we haven't done the invasive and vigorous testing to determine if I am in fact ovulating or not ovulating. Based on my charts and my previous cycles, which are completely regular and normal, it is assumed that I do ovulate and that my body is producing adequate hormones. I am not one for meaningless medication but if I can give this a try (for $9 per Rx, generic) before I feel compelled to start in with mucho more expensive testing/specialists then I feel it's worth a shot. I guess for me the hope is that this may help stimulate my ovaries to produce more than one egg, thereby increasing my chance of conception. It does increase the risk of multiple fertilization, but I'm thinking I haven't had luck even conceiving ONE baby let alone TWO babies so that risk is something I have to take.

 

From what I read online and in Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc is typically well tolerated and I experienced none of the following symptoms. But here is a list of the possible side effects just for my reference and in case you were curious. Of course, speak with your physician about your individual situation and possibility of side effects.

 

Side effects of Clomid:

• blurred vision
• breast tenderness
• dizziness
• enlargement of the ovaries
• flushing
• hot flashes
• headaches
• lightheadedness
• mood change
• nausea
• pelvic pain or bloating
• vomiting
• stomach pain
• increased chance of multiple conceptions (5-8% vs. 2% in normal population, based on Making Babies)
• reduction of fertile cervical mucus, essentially drying up the mucus making it harder for the spermies to get through, thereby reducing the likelihood of fertilization
• thinning of the endometrium, sometimes to the point of inhibiting implantation

 Also sometimes severe reactions are said to occur:

• severe allergic reactions (including breathing problems and swelling of the mouth, face, etc)
• overstimulation of the ovaries
• increased risk of ovarian cancer
• spontaneous abortion

One weird note for me, and I don't know if this is due to the medication or not, but my cycle was days shorter this time. Normal up until day 1, but by day 5 I was completely done, which is unlike my normal cycles. Usually it's exactly 7 days, sometimes more, I don't recall a time when it was shorter. Anyway, perhaps that is due to the increased production of hormones?

 

On another note, I have a consultation this afternoon with a dental surgeon to discuss removing my wisdom teeth. Yep, almost 30 years old and still have my wisdom teeth. Anyway, I'm kind of stressed about that. Anyway, I best call my dr to schedule that appointment for 2 weeks

On the road to baby H, Back to the doctor on Friday...

Since my last post, hubby and I have been working hard on staying positive, reconnecting and making a doubled effort to fit in the baby-dancing. So far, I can say that we are feeling more connected with each other and our efforts to make this baby thing happen. I've started trying to eat more healthily and exercise again. I was doing really good in the fall, but then it got dark out so early and I couldn't run in the evenings. Now, my friend M and I are hitting the base gym and we are planning on heading outside soon. Hubby and I have also made a plan to walk/jog early in the morning with the dogs. Both to exercise them and to create a healthy habit for us to share. We both need to lose some weight and some inches of belly fat. (Which could help me with the baby-making!)


Things haven't been going so hot in the business department, since I've had to let a family go and within 3 weeks have lost 4 other children to preschool, moving and mom's maternity leave. It's stressful to go from having 7 children in care to having 2, with one being part time. I know that things will bounce back and I've been told my online friends in the biz that this is a cyclical thing. It adds a layer of stress to my plate that I thought I was getting rid of when I let the one family go.

Maybe God is telling me something? Maybe he is readying me for coming months and freeing my plate for appointments and testing and such. Who knows? I leave it in His hands and give Him my trust that only He knows the final outcome.

I have met with my doctor again. This past Friday I went to talk to him about our next steps.

To be honest. I don't feel ready for meeting with infertility specialists, especially since I now know that my insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments. NONE. Wonderful, yay! So, we have to really weigh the cost of specialists and trying with invasive medical treatments with our way of life and what we hope to accomplish. Yes, I know that having a child of our own would be the most wonderful thing, but having seen friends go through that type of treatment and be unsuccessful it makes me think. As an outsider, I've seen how one person's sole vision of becoming a parent against all obstacles can harm a relationship, put undue stress one each other both financially and emotionally, and just take focus away from a marriage and place it solely on one person's wants above the other. I don't EVER want to be that person in my marriage. I don't EVER want to hold myself above my husband. Yes, I want to be a mother, but that doesn't overshadow my commitment and vows to my husband. Our relationship must come first, our marriage must be sound and filled with love, honesty and commitment. I feel that a child brought into the world based solely on ONE parent's wish to be a parent, will lack a fundamental blessing. I know children are born daily to single mothers or individuals who don't really want to be a parent, but to knowingly make the choice to conceive a child under those circumstances is irresponsible and ultimately cruel to the child. Only my opinion of course...but I know how it feels to be a child who was unwanted by a parent. It's not fun, and the love from one parent isn't always enough to bridge that hole in the child's heart. I had a good and loved childhood, and I don't wish back that time. I just want better for my children. So my relationship with my husband will always be priority number one. Well, until that child comes and then it will share that top spot.

Anyway, so I met with Dr. M. and we talked about trying Clomid with my next cycle. Even though it seems that I ovulate regularly, we're hoping the medicine will guarantee ovulation and/or multiple eggs to better our chances of conception. He feels that this will be the last step with their office. Since they are not specialists with infertility, they don't offer the further testing I may need and the medications that may or may not go along with those tests. He did give me a few names of physicians and clinics near here that are good infertility specialists so I have some research to do.

My cycle will start in 4-5 days and I am to start the medication on day 3 and conitue for 4 days. I haven't been taking my temperature for several months, but I will be starting again this week. Just to make sure that I am righ within my prior cycles. Since I am so regular, I simply got frustrated with the charting and taking of the temperature. It made me feel MORE out of control than I did before and I would be crazy during the two weeks before my flow would start. Now, however, having something to do makes me want to know what is going on.

Cross your fingers for me, wish me luck. We're optimistic!

On the road to baby H, trying to find peace

Well, it's the week after Christmas, 2 days until a brand New Year. I haven't been posting, because I've had very mixed emotions leading into this holiday season.


On one hand, I'm very sad that I'm not able to share the joy of the Christmas season and experience a new level of family with our own child.

On the other, with the stress of my job, our basement renovation and a broken sewer pipe looming over my head these past few weeks...I found myself secretly GLAD I don't have the added stress of a pregnant body or a demanding newborn to care for. Caring for 5-6 non-related children 10-11 hours a day takes it's toll and I enjoy closing the door on the last family to leave and returning to "grown-up" world for a few hours.

I mean, don't get me wrong...I love my job. My calling is to work with children, so it's a blessing to be able to work from home and get paid to play all day. And some days are easier than others. But, gosh some days suck the big one. When the 18 mo doesn't want to nap AT ALL that ENTIRE day, just happily yell at the top of her lungs...I'm not kidding she's HAPPY!!...which means no one else can nap well that day and poor me, gets no quiet time! (INSERT VIOLIN MUSIC HERE) Or when the 3 & 4 year olds simply don't get along. Oh, no, nothing is wrong, they just want to fight and whine and tattle on each other.

I started this Home Daycare business for a few reasons. I love working with children (check) I enjoy being my own boss (check) I like setting and adhereing to my own policies (double check) I can stay at HOME with my children and still earn a living to help support my family (missing check.) This last one is a little difficult for me to type out. I had so many visions of how easy it would be to start this home business, get married and start pumping out bambinos. It obviously hasn't worked that way. Three years (this past December) since I opened and still nada.

Hubby and I attended a mutlitude of family gatherings this holiday season, like we do every year and it was comforting and saddening that the situation is unchanging. I can't wait for the year that I get to hold my little one while we sing Christmas carols or open presents. I can't wait for the year that I can take pictures of my bundle of joy on Santa's lap, or giving thanks during Thanksgiving dinner for the blessing that is a gift from God. But it was comforting to know that my family and friends are still there regardless of our parental state, or lack thereof. It is nice to know that I can focus on others in our family without worrying about stretching myself too thin, financially, physically, or emotionally.

I took a step back these past 2 months and really looked at what emotions I was going through...I allowed myself to feel them, I embraced them at times. I became at peace about them. It's tough to have to wait for something I KNOW I am meant for. It's painful to watch others have what I long for. But I think it's small of me to envy theim their blessings. I've tried to find the strength inside myself to be STRONG enough to be HAPPY for others who are creating the memories that I wish so much to have. I know God has a plan for me, I trust that He understands my true heart and sees what I feel most desparately in my soul. I know that only He knows what the future holds. This holiday season as I laughed happily with my nephews & nieces, sighed with relief after the daycare Christmas party when I had no one to care for but myself, played Barbies & drew pictures wth my God-daughter & her sister, wept with despair at our lack of children to hold, railed with anger at the un-fair way it seems children are granted to those who aren't ready (by their own admission, I have to add) I found myself letting go and putting the answers into God's hands. I found peace after each emotion...I found joy in the small quiet moments on Christmas morning with my husband. I found happiness, that I didn't expect to find in my family and friends.

I haven't talked to Dr. M since October. I haven't had any more tests since my annual gyno visit in November. We took a few months to re-group and to re-connect emotionally with our individual selves and each other and we're willing to try again. We had the testing done to see if there is any major structural issues with both of us...we've gotten good & fair results respectively. I will give it another couple of months and then we'll move on with our process. I've started temping and charting again...purely for data.

I don't know how to explain...but I wasn't 100% sure 2011 was our year. I have good feelings about 2012.

On the road to baby H, HSG

Yesterday, I enjoyed a visit to the Radiology department at the Harrisburg Hospital.


I was pretty anxious. Ok so really anxious.

I've been lucky enough to have a pretty healthy life so far. I've never had to have x-rays, or broken bones, or surgery or anything. Well, to be fair, I did have stiches when I was 4 after taking a header into a corner of the wall. I can remember bits and pieces of that visit to the hospital: just slightly do I see the doctor's standing above me, and I remember screaming bloody murder, but I truly don't remember the pain or the feeling of the stitches going in.

So, walking into a hospital for this was a little unsettling. Something I knew I had to do, but anxiety inducing none-the-less. My mom drove down and went with me...while my hubby stayed home with the daycare kiddos. I'm so glad she was able to come with me. Just knowing she was there with me, eased some of my nerves & allowed me to be more open to the experience.

So, anyways to be technical: The HSG test (or hysterosalpingogram, or hystogram) is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. This test is done between days 7-10 of your cycle, after mustruation has stopped but before ovulation.

The test is performed by a doctor, radiology assistant and nurse. You lie on your back with feet placed as you would for a pelvic exam. The doctor will insert a speculum to hold open the vagina to allow for a view of the cervix. They clean the cervix and insert a device to hold the cervix steady. Then they pass a thin tube into the uterus. As the radiology assistant takes pictures with the x-ray machine, the doctor injects a special dye through the thin tube into the uterus and fallopian tubes. The fluid will cause the uterus to stretch, resulting in uterine cramping. If the fallopian tubes are blocked, this fluid will cause them to stretch also, maybe causing pain as well. Images are taken as the fluid fills the uterus and tubes, they may ask you to turn from left to right to better grab pictures. If there is no blockage of the tubes and/or scarring of the tubes or uterus, the fluid will slowly spill out the ends of the tubes. After it does, it will be absorbed by the abdominal wall cells. After the test there are some minor side effects. These include, a sticky vaginal discharge (fluid draining), cramping, feeling dizzy, faint or nauseus, there may also be slight vaginal bleeding. There are some risks and/or complications to this procedure including allergic reaction to the dye, injury to the uterus or pelvic infection. Please discuss the symptoms for these with your doctor prior to the exam. Be sure to have someone drive you home after due to the possibility of some of the side-effects.

For my exam, I was instructed to take 400mg of ibuprofen 1 1/2 hours before the procedure to help alleviate any pain during the exam. I did, but it didn't help much. I have to tell you...the insertion of the tube and the fluid was painful. For me it was close to a 7 on the 1-10 pain scale (1=lowest, 10=highest). However, like I previously stated, I have never really had any chronic pain, trauma or surgery. I've never given birth, I've never had a broken bone. I don't really know what real pain is. So, when I was told there would be some moderate cramping, I just assumed it would be close in relation to my menstrual cramps. NOT SO! At least for me, this was the worst cramping I've ever felt...and I thought I've had some pretty bad ones. It was sharp, acute pain and seemed to last the ENTIRE time. I don't write this to scare anyone reading this, just be prepared for intense pressure and some acute pain. Feel free to tell them it hurts and squeeze the sheets/blankets. Once the tube is removed, for me the pain went away almost immediately. I did have some general feelings of spasms after, with some discharge and some nausea, but that was all VERY minor and didn't bother me much at all.

The results were positive and gave me much relief. My tubes and uterus are clear of any blockage and/or scarring. In fact the doctor was saying during the exam that the fluid was moving beautifully and everything was clear. The doctor performing the exam did mention that there might be a slight heart-shape to my uterus, but she hasn't seen enough of them to be definitive. So, I must wait to hear from my doctor after the radiologist has a chance to look at the films and write his report. I have been doing some research on a bicarbauate uterus, and there are some scary issues with that and pregnancy, but that is for another post when I have more information, including whether it is an issue for me or not.

On the road to baby H, SA...

Aaron's analysis was scheduled for Tuesday October 25, 2011. I got a call from Dr. Mantione later that afternoon with the results of the test.

He said that it everything was fine. Not the best, but ok. At the time I was dealing with an upset baby (who wouldn't take her nap) plus a 16 month old who was doing everything in her power to wake everyone else up, so the conversation was short and sweet. I couldn't think of any questions at the time. Although, now I'd like to ask...

What exactly do you mean, "not the best, but ok"

What were the numbers and motility and morphology?

What can we do to increase/better these results?

Should we abstain for a certain number of days/hours between BD during the ovulation window?

What does this mean for our fertility? Does it increase, decrease or maintain our chances of conceiving naturally without assistance?

On the Road to Baby H, an intro...

On the Road to Baby H: A journal of our attempts to become parents, and our journey through infertility.


I am merging my two blogs. This one is my daily life and random home escapades. The second was my mostly private blog dedicated to our journey to become parents. I guess I've decided that since that journey is a significant part of our daily lives, it makes no sense to have a separate blog. So, I will be moving those posts over here over the next few days. The posts will be posted into their appropriate time frames of the timeline of this blog, if that makes sense. This was my introduction for that blog.

We are Jen & Aaron and we've been married since 2009. I work from home running my own daycare. Aaron works for the PA Air National Guard and is a federal employee during the week. We have two dogs and two cats and our lives are pretty busy between running my business, raising 4 pets and trying to turn our house into our home.
We've been trying to conceive since June 2009. It hasn't been successful so far and we're now at the point of talking to doctors to decide what our next steps might be. It's been emotionally draining and sometimes not pretty, but we both feel there are children meant to be in our lives and we're up to the challenge. We haven't decided what our final options might be...whether we are fully invested in ARTs, including IUI and/or IVF...but we are discussing and researching as much as we can.

On the road to baby H, First Doctor's Visit...

Well, of course this isn't a true FIRST visit for either of us...we are both almost 30 after all. This was our first infertility visit. Just for conversation purposes and to determine our next steps.


We met with our doctor...Dr. Mantione from my ob/gyn office yesterday morning. (My friend Megan sat with the daycare kiddos while we were away. I can't say enough about her...she really is a great friend, and I might not make it through if I didn't have her to rely on. Thanks Megan!) It was my first time meeting with him, and I was very impressed. He was very knowledgeable and kind. He listened to what I had to say as far as my background, asked a few questions and attempted to put us at ease. Aaron was pretty nervous. He might not show it much, but he's as anxious about this process as I am. Of course, he feels that his role is that of supporter rather than active participant...and maybe that's true. I don't know if I really want him to feel like he's an active participant until we achieve pregnancy. It's really stressful this stuff...and at times I don't want him to have to feel this way.
We talked about all the charting I've done, the length of my cycles, our attempts to time intercourse to ovulation and Aaron's deployments. Dr. M. asked a few questions of Aaron that I didn't think about and I relayed some information that was missed on my chart.

Basically, he said that to him it sounded less like a hormonal problem and he'd liek to jump right to testing for structural abnormalities and a semen anaylysis. I was slightly relieved that he didn't want to play around with hormones and start trying things like clomid and other therapies. I know everyone is different and everyone's fertility journey is very personal, but I've heard from friends that they've been on hormone therapy for awhile and all the while they've never been tested for uterine abnormalities, tubal disease, endometreosis or other issues. Some doctors go straight to drugs instead of trying to find the real underlying cause. So, I'm pleased that we've gone this route. Aaron's analysis is scheduled for next week but I have to wait for my test until I start my next cycle, because it is extremely time sensitive and they need to know the EXACT Day 1.
Although it doesn't sound like we're any closer...we have taken the first step toward assisted fertility, and that brings me some measure of relief. To know that we aren't in this alone anymore...makes the wait for my baby a bit more bearable.