Things that I've been trying to stay optimistic and positive about were slowly starting to really just weigh me down.
I'm not a naturally optimistic person. I tend to side on the realistic/pessimistic view of life. I feel safer that way.
I tell myself it's so I won't be disappointed.
I tell myself that when I believe nothing good is going to come of any given situation, and something good DOES happen, I'll be that much happier because I wasn't expecting it. Usually, though the negativity breeds negativity so eventually, I'm proven right and disappointed regardless of what I tell myself.
So, being optimistic about gaining new clients and having a baby when there doesn't seem to be any new developments in either category just tends to make me angry after a while.
Does that make sense? No?
Well, I don't know, I guess it's not necessarily the situation that makes me upset...it's being optimistic about the eventual outcome with no basis for that thought that makes me upset. It's like I feel lied to, even though it's ME doing the lying.
I constantly have to tell myself to BE optimistic.
Conversations inside my head sometimes sound like this:
"Maybe we'll be pregnant this month!"
"No, it's probably not going to happen, don't get your hopes up for nothing."
"Well, I haven't started a new cycle, maybe that means it might happen."
"Aaaah, but feel that twinge? That's the beginning of the end of this cycle...told ya" (which ended up being the real truth -- my chart)
OR
"God is keeping doors open for you, client wise so that good things will come"
"Maybe, clients aren't calling because they don't like what I have to offer. What if I'm not good enough?"
"It's ok, you don't have to take the first person who asks for a spot...hold out for the perfect fit." "What if the perfect fit doesn't come along soon? I don't want to be waiting for 6 months with no additional income when I can make a few dollars now!"
Ok, so I guess you can see that sometimes it has more to do with a lack of self-confidence...
talking oneself out of the game is a hard habit to break.
I am trying to change. I just am not sure where to start. I've been reading The Happiness Project which is helping me to re-think some things.
Something that I'm trying right now is that every time I think of one thing I DON'T have, I remind myself of two things I DO have. Like, major on my list is that I have a loving and supportive husband and my animals who don't care if I am pretty enough or smart enough or say & do the right thing all the time, they all just love me for me. That's pretty special.
Today, I woke up sick of myself. I wanted out of my own self-induced funk. I decided to be selfish and be treated to a "Day of Me."
I made myself go for a run.
I went and got my eyebrows waxed & a haircut.
Met the hubs for lunch and then got a manicure & a pedicure.
Next, I laid in bed and did nothing but peruse Pinterest & look at my pretty pink toes for 2 hours.
It was nice, it was relaxing, it makes me want to spend MORE money on myself! ha ha!
So, here's to my 'Day of Me' and my pretty pink toenails!
I hope your weekend is wonderful!
I hope your weekend is wonderful!
