On the road to Baby H, Confessions: baby stuff

Do you think I'm odd that I troll pregnancy forums and websites? I have hundreds of bookmarks on my computer of baby blogs, gear lists, nursery blog posts, parenting blogs, etc. I love reading blogs about pregnancy and babies. I even have a registry! Eeek! I haven't told anyone that, before. Am I a glutton for punishment???

I know. I know. I've heard. I've been told it's not quite the thing and that it will make me crazy. I've talked to women online who do/have done similar things, and they've all said they've eventually come to the realization that it's unhealthy. I disagree. Only for myself, for ME personally. I'm not there yet for a couple reasons.

1) I take care of babies. It's my job. I play with baby toys, change babies, use baby products and in some cases buy baby gear, toys, formula, food, etc for my daycare. So, I can't just pretend they don't exist.

2) I feel like I look at these websites and forums and registry items with hope. I feel like if I told myself that I CAN'T look at, plan, dream, design, build my future baby's life, nursery, first year, inutero time, etc. then I would lose the hope that it CAN still happen. I would lose that belief that my deepest wish WILL come true. Sort of like, "If you build it, they will come". (I love me some Kevin Costner movies; Field of Dreams, 1989)

3) I like to know what is out there so when I AM with child I can feel confident in my choices, because I've done my research.

4) It takes me and my DH sooooo long to make decisions, and especially put those decisions into action that by making decisions, researching items, saving for the nursery/baby items/etc. I feel like I have a head start for when the baby comes. Plus, I am so scared I'm going to be one of those women who ends up on the TLC show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

Anyway, so there is my confession. do you think it's abnormal? Do you think it's too much pressure? Do you feel like it would stress you out to have to look at or read information about pregnancy, other women's pregnancies, registries or baby items? Would you or do you do this? Just curious if I'm the only one!

On the road to baby H, last day of clomid

I started Clomid last week. 5 days of 50 mg on days 3-7 of my cycle. Today is the last day. In 2 weeks, I'm to go into see Dr. M for an ultrasound. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to start taking these hormone drugs, but it's worth a shot to see if it can give us the boost we need, before we determine if we are ready for the next giant step.

 

What Clomid does is tell your body that it doesn't have enough estrogen. This prompts the thyroid to increase production of gonadotropin-releasing hormone, which in turn stimulates the release of LH & FSH which triggers the ovaries to form and mature follicles and eventually release eggs. Typically, Clomid is used for women who have a hard time ovulating. This doesn't seem to be the problem in my case, however since Dr. M is an ob/gyn and NOT a specialist in infertility, we haven't done the invasive and vigorous testing to determine if I am in fact ovulating or not ovulating. Based on my charts and my previous cycles, which are completely regular and normal, it is assumed that I do ovulate and that my body is producing adequate hormones. I am not one for meaningless medication but if I can give this a try (for $9 per Rx, generic) before I feel compelled to start in with mucho more expensive testing/specialists then I feel it's worth a shot. I guess for me the hope is that this may help stimulate my ovaries to produce more than one egg, thereby increasing my chance of conception. It does increase the risk of multiple fertilization, but I'm thinking I haven't had luck even conceiving ONE baby let alone TWO babies so that risk is something I have to take.

 

From what I read online and in Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc is typically well tolerated and I experienced none of the following symptoms. But here is a list of the possible side effects just for my reference and in case you were curious. Of course, speak with your physician about your individual situation and possibility of side effects.

 

Side effects of Clomid:

• blurred vision
• breast tenderness
• dizziness
• enlargement of the ovaries
• flushing
• hot flashes
• headaches
• lightheadedness
• mood change
• nausea
• pelvic pain or bloating
• vomiting
• stomach pain
• increased chance of multiple conceptions (5-8% vs. 2% in normal population, based on Making Babies)
• reduction of fertile cervical mucus, essentially drying up the mucus making it harder for the spermies to get through, thereby reducing the likelihood of fertilization
• thinning of the endometrium, sometimes to the point of inhibiting implantation

 Also sometimes severe reactions are said to occur:

• severe allergic reactions (including breathing problems and swelling of the mouth, face, etc)
• overstimulation of the ovaries
• increased risk of ovarian cancer
• spontaneous abortion

One weird note for me, and I don't know if this is due to the medication or not, but my cycle was days shorter this time. Normal up until day 1, but by day 5 I was completely done, which is unlike my normal cycles. Usually it's exactly 7 days, sometimes more, I don't recall a time when it was shorter. Anyway, perhaps that is due to the increased production of hormones?

 

On another note, I have a consultation this afternoon with a dental surgeon to discuss removing my wisdom teeth. Yep, almost 30 years old and still have my wisdom teeth. Anyway, I'm kind of stressed about that. Anyway, I best call my dr to schedule that appointment for 2 weeks

On the road to baby H, Back to the doctor on Friday...

Since my last post, hubby and I have been working hard on staying positive, reconnecting and making a doubled effort to fit in the baby-dancing. So far, I can say that we are feeling more connected with each other and our efforts to make this baby thing happen. I've started trying to eat more healthily and exercise again. I was doing really good in the fall, but then it got dark out so early and I couldn't run in the evenings. Now, my friend M and I are hitting the base gym and we are planning on heading outside soon. Hubby and I have also made a plan to walk/jog early in the morning with the dogs. Both to exercise them and to create a healthy habit for us to share. We both need to lose some weight and some inches of belly fat. (Which could help me with the baby-making!)


Things haven't been going so hot in the business department, since I've had to let a family go and within 3 weeks have lost 4 other children to preschool, moving and mom's maternity leave. It's stressful to go from having 7 children in care to having 2, with one being part time. I know that things will bounce back and I've been told my online friends in the biz that this is a cyclical thing. It adds a layer of stress to my plate that I thought I was getting rid of when I let the one family go.

Maybe God is telling me something? Maybe he is readying me for coming months and freeing my plate for appointments and testing and such. Who knows? I leave it in His hands and give Him my trust that only He knows the final outcome.

I have met with my doctor again. This past Friday I went to talk to him about our next steps.

To be honest. I don't feel ready for meeting with infertility specialists, especially since I now know that my insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments. NONE. Wonderful, yay! So, we have to really weigh the cost of specialists and trying with invasive medical treatments with our way of life and what we hope to accomplish. Yes, I know that having a child of our own would be the most wonderful thing, but having seen friends go through that type of treatment and be unsuccessful it makes me think. As an outsider, I've seen how one person's sole vision of becoming a parent against all obstacles can harm a relationship, put undue stress one each other both financially and emotionally, and just take focus away from a marriage and place it solely on one person's wants above the other. I don't EVER want to be that person in my marriage. I don't EVER want to hold myself above my husband. Yes, I want to be a mother, but that doesn't overshadow my commitment and vows to my husband. Our relationship must come first, our marriage must be sound and filled with love, honesty and commitment. I feel that a child brought into the world based solely on ONE parent's wish to be a parent, will lack a fundamental blessing. I know children are born daily to single mothers or individuals who don't really want to be a parent, but to knowingly make the choice to conceive a child under those circumstances is irresponsible and ultimately cruel to the child. Only my opinion of course...but I know how it feels to be a child who was unwanted by a parent. It's not fun, and the love from one parent isn't always enough to bridge that hole in the child's heart. I had a good and loved childhood, and I don't wish back that time. I just want better for my children. So my relationship with my husband will always be priority number one. Well, until that child comes and then it will share that top spot.

Anyway, so I met with Dr. M. and we talked about trying Clomid with my next cycle. Even though it seems that I ovulate regularly, we're hoping the medicine will guarantee ovulation and/or multiple eggs to better our chances of conception. He feels that this will be the last step with their office. Since they are not specialists with infertility, they don't offer the further testing I may need and the medications that may or may not go along with those tests. He did give me a few names of physicians and clinics near here that are good infertility specialists so I have some research to do.

My cycle will start in 4-5 days and I am to start the medication on day 3 and conitue for 4 days. I haven't been taking my temperature for several months, but I will be starting again this week. Just to make sure that I am righ within my prior cycles. Since I am so regular, I simply got frustrated with the charting and taking of the temperature. It made me feel MORE out of control than I did before and I would be crazy during the two weeks before my flow would start. Now, however, having something to do makes me want to know what is going on.

Cross your fingers for me, wish me luck. We're optimistic!